As we all know, sports suck. They're loud, sweaty and involve people who I still harbor resentment towards for being cooler than me in high school.
However, do you know what anti-sucks? Sports movies!!
Whereas actual sports rarely involve touching character arcs, broad lessons about racial diversity and charming/mysteriously talented animals, sports movies have all these things in droves.
With this in mind, here are five movies about sports to watch this weekend. All of them are guaranteed to be better than actual sports.
1. "Air Bud: Golden Receiver"
Obviously, if people were meant to play sports then we'd look half as cute in pads and little leather helmets as does this Golden Retriever. We do not, the Golden Retriever wins.
2. "The Puppy Bowl"
The Puppy Bowl is probably one of my favorite things in the entire freaking world. Since discovering this bizarre annual event some three years ago, I have spent the majority of my mental capabilities trying to find out just what in hell is going on with this thing.
First the basics: The Puppy Bowl is a feature that Animal Planet broadcasts every Super Bowl Sunday wherein a series of puppies are placed in a football-field shaped play pen and allowed to fall all over each other as they please. And that's pretty much it. Oh, and it just keeps going like this for about 12 FREAKING HOURS.
No commercials, no attempts at explaining what in the hell is going on; just puppies, rolling around, for 12 hours straight.
Needless to say, this raises all kind of pressing questions: How does one win a Puppy Bowl? What does a puppy have to do to qualify in the Puppy Bowl? Does the kitten halftime show represent some kind of bizarre inter-species rascism? Is this actually TV programming or just some kind of a conceptual Dadaist mindfuck from the higher-ups at Animal Planet?
Seriously, watch this shit. It is like nothing you have ever seen.
Recommended for fans of plot arcs so broad they can be seen from space. Oh, and fans of Lord of the Rings because there's nothing like seeing Samwise Gamgee do what he does best: mope and become marginally talented at football.
Another thing that sucks about "real" sports? No one dies (well, most of the time anyway). Not so in 1975's "Rollerball"! In this movie the world's sexiest man play's the world's most dangerous sport in an ultra-corporatist future where all is not as it seems. Also, there are pistols that make trees explode.
Did you know Ernest Borgnine was in this? Not that I don't love me the perpetual thirteen year-old-ness of Matt and Trey, but Ernest Borgnine? Doing dick jokes with hotdogs? I mean the man has an Academy Award, he's a hallmark or his generation and-oh what's that? Breasts? Wait, what was I saying?
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