Friday the 13th - Rent it but it still may not be worth the $4

“We’re all just daddy issues and douche bags. Can’t we all just be one happy cliché?”

You said it token stoner dude.

I saw Friday the 13th last weekend on Friday the 14. Yeah that’s right, my lady is awesome. However, as most would expect, the film did not meet up to any of even the smallest of expectations, and produced a series of crimes that horror movie fans will be bringing the gavel down upon.

The film strays so far from the original’s feel, only borrowing the concept of a scary guy in a hockey mask, that fans of the original will be disappointed as it fails to hold up to its 1980 counterpart. All in all, this remake is a mix of first two Friday the 13ths. For those who are in-the-know, they should be able to spot a few nostalgic moments such as Jason’s bag mask as well as others.

But the sprinkling of nostalgia doesn’t carry the film through an array of poor film-making choices. Granted, the initial flick helped to establish some time honored horror movie clichés, but the remake takes these clichés to an embarrassing level, where there is no decent script, twists or turns, or inventive characters. Granted it is hard to pull off a remake, especially when it is of a well-loved franchise, but this remake gave me the feeling that they didn’t even try to create anything successful and banked on the curiosity of fans to garner ticket sales (big surprise).

The movie comes stock with all the drugs, sex and token characters as any other film. So much that it removes any of the original’s feel, yet still leaves the viewer with a sense that they have seen this all before, in the hundreds of horror movies to come since the original in 1980. You don’t have to make some novel work of art, but at least put some creative and innovative thought into it, especially while handling the re-imaging of a delicate classic.

Lastly, on a personal level, the star of the film, Jared Padelecki, appears to be quite a tall drink of water, and not only do you got him on a little Royal Enfield motorcycle, you dubbed over the bike, making it sound like a beefed up Harley. Come on! Couldn’t you just fork up the dough and got the guy on a Triumph? Padelecki looks like a circus clown on a scooter.

Interesting tidbit: Over the past four years Jared Padelecki and Jensen Ackles have come into homes across America each week via the television show Supernatural. To be honest, I do like the show and how each episode is like a mini horror movie. I was therefore intrigued when both actors would be coming to the big screen this year. Coincidentally, both actors were cast in remakes of classic ‘80s horror movies, My Bloody Valentine and Friday the 13th. And not only that, though Ackle’s Bloody Valentine remake came out first, Padelicki’s remake came out on Valentine’s Day! Whoa …

All the ads, none of the football

Not a football fan but still want to watch all the sweet new teasers for this summer's movie lineup. Save yourself the 4 hours and check out some awesome new spots from some of the summer's biggest blockbusters here.

Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen - The sequel to the obscenely successful 2007 movie about giant robots.

Star Trek - J.J. Abrams' questionable reboot of the Trek franchise. Although only questionable if you liked Star Trek in the first place, otherwise it looks pretty sweet.

Land of the Lost - A remake of the 1970's children's show starring Will Ferrell playing Will Ferrell.

Year One - A clip from the new Harold Ramis directed, Jack Black and Michael Cera starring story about lazy hunter-gatherers. This clip features David Cross and Paul Rudd as the biblical characters Cain and Abel.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra - Cobra Commander. 'Nuff said.

Up - Disney/Pixar's new flick. All recycled footage from previous teasers (except for about 5 seconds at the end). Visit this website to watch some irritating clips from what may be Pixar's first ever critical and commercial failure.

Fast and Furious - In this fourth installment in the successful franchise, Vin Diesel drives your dad's old car under a giant flaming gasoline rig. As Paul Walker tells Diesel in the trailer "a lot has changed." Yeah, well probably not enough to make this movie any good.

Race to Witch Mountain - Something about clairvoyant adolescents and The Rock having to drive them around. Honestly, when I first heard about this movie I thought it was another movie adaptation of a theme park ride (a la Pirates of the Caribbean). 

"Underworld: Rise of the Lycans" Mini-Review

If your a fan of the Underworld franchise, then you'll probably enjoy this flick, a prequel to the first two films Underworld and Underworld: Evolution. If not, don't bother.

I've only ever seen the first Underworld, and I probably would have avoided this one except tickets were free. But, it seems that the most important elements of the film were covered in a brief flashback sequence in the first film (although with a different actress).

I'll be honest, I fell asleep during Rise of the Lycans, only awoken by werewolves (lycans, whatever) and vampires tearing each other new assholes.

Unfortunately, no matter how good CGI gets, werewolves continue to look weird and kind of lame. 

By the way, contrary to what you might think, Kate Beckinsale is not in this film (not that it matters), the girl in all the previews just really looks like her. 

On a final note, what is Michael Sheen still doing acting in movies like this? After playing Tony Blair in The Queen, the late Portland State alumn Art Honeyman in Music Within, and David Frost in the Oscar nominated Frost/Nixon, why is he still playing Lucian the Lycan?

I give this movie 1.5 stars for brevity, and only waking me up occasionally while I napped.